And then baby number two came along. She didn't like to sleep much-so annoying. And she ate constantly- can you please just give me a break for two seconds?! Thank god she was a pacifier baby because listening to her cry- nails on a chalk board. And you know what's really enough to set you over the edge? A two year old at your feet begging for attention while you're doing any of the aforementioned things. Sleep deprivation was doing me in. It was making me irritable and my patience was shot before the sun was even up.
I vented to a good friend of mine regularly and when the story didn't change she mentioned that she struggled with postpartum depression after her child was born and thought maybe I needed to talk to the midwifes. I listened to her tell me she wish she had talked to somebody about it and quickly wrote her off. Just because she had issues didn't mean that I did. I wasn't sad and crying all the time, I was tired and stressed out. I had two kids, clearly I just underestimated how hard it would be. But then every time something little would make me so irrationally angry I would think- Maybe there is something wrong with me. I never used to be an angry person. Maybe this second pregnancy made me crazy. I remember watching a show once where a lady was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after her pregnancy. Oh god, am I bipolar?!
Ready to self-diagnose I googled bipolar disorder and postpartum depression. I read a bit and decided I wasn't bipolar and I wasn't sad so I determined I was just a mom. A mom who made a terrible decision having a second child because clearly it was too much work for me. I went on about my daily routine, dreading the days Andy would have to work and leave me alone with the girls, knowing that I would get absolutely nothing done because it was just too hard.
One night, in an attempt to distract myself from my crying children (who were obviously never going to go to bed), I started browsing a couple blogs I liked. I clicked a link to a cute picture (since I really wanted to learn photography) and it took me to the funniest blog. I spent a good hour reading posts and cracking up laughing at the things this woman was writing. It was like she was in my head. The things that I would only talk freely about in front of a few close friends she was actually committing to writing. I clicked link after link laughing, even insisting Andy listen to a few posts because it sounded so much like things I would say. And then I clicked and started reading this post. I instantly went from laughter to tears as I realized that there was really something wrong with me and that it wasn't going to go away on its own. The sleeplessness wasn't just because of the baby waking up to eat, the constant anger wasn't just the 'new me' that came from being overwhelmed, the inability to get things done wasn't because of the amount of work of taking care of two children, and the anxiety and crazy thoughts of horrible things happening to my family weren't just new mom worries. I had postpartum depression.
