A Big Blubbering Ball of Emotion

By about 9:00 this morning I was ready to throw in the towel on today. It's not that there was anything particularly bad or out of the usual that happened, it's that my nerves were shot. Too much noise, too much mess, and too much needing. And then I realized that somehow I had managed to skip three days of my meds. The first day was intentional, since I was going to have a few drinks at an outing (something I had not done since deciding to take medicine) and the next night I read in bed and fell asleep reading and forgot. After a relatively smooth day yesterday I was excited at the prospect of no longer taking them so I decided skip taking last nights as well. 

Bad idea.

It was a not-so-friendly reminder that this thing doesn't have a quick fix. As much as I would like to be off the medication, there is no way I will let it come at the cost of my relationship with my kids and husband. It took too long to realize that I needed help and to get it in the first place. 

The past couple of days I think I have experienced every emotion possible, quickly jumping from one to the next. Feelings of inadequacy loomed over me and I felt like a timid child questioning every thing I did and every emotion I felt. I was so sad as I sat alone with my thoughts (during the brief moment of quiet at nap time) and thought of people who go through this everyday, never getting help. 

I anxiously took my pill tonight, hopeful for a better day tomorrow. I know that medication isn't a long term thing for me, but I also realized that it isn't time to quit taking it yet. I cannot express enough how grateful I am for friends who talked to me, the midwives who diagnosed me, and for making the decision to get help. 

If you think that you are suffering from postpartum depression, talk to your doctor. You are not alone in this and there is help. There may not be a quick fix solution but there are things that can help as you get back to being yourself again.