Be warned: this is not an 'envision the flower opening, take a deep breath, and push out new life' kind of story. I guess I'm an over sharer.
I had all but given up on ever having this baby. You see, I was quite certain I would be delivering early as I did with Amelia so there would be no worry of a birth interfering with Christmas celebrations. When days went by with no signs of progressing my hope dwindled. At the last midwife appointment I went to they did a physical exam and there was talk of deciding to induce before Christmas or waiting it out and maybe having a new year baby. I cried after leaving that appointment. This pregnancy was draining both physically and emotionally and I was ready to have this baby, but this baby seemed quite content to stay put.
After breakfast I took a shower and got ready for my weekly appointment with the midwife. Amelia and I played for a while before we took the short drive over to my in-laws house where Amelia would be staying while I went to my appointment. I was relieved not to be taking her, coaxing a two year old to sit still while laying on a table for a physical examination was challenging the last go round. It was an hour drive to my appointment and on the way I wished I would have remembered to pack a snack or quit scheduling my appointments during lunch time. Hungry and tired I arrived at my appointment.
There wasn't much of a wait in the office. Once you move to weekly visits you have the routine down pat. When the midwife came in she asked the usual questions, how are you feeling, any changes, etc. I was excited to share the news that I thought I may actually have a baby before Christmas due to the fact I had a pinkish tinge when wiping. (You feel so comfortable over-sharing with a midwife.) We checked blood pressure and discussed a few more things before the physical exam. I climbed up on the table and put my feet in the stir-ups, so lovingly adorn with ovenmits, and received the best news ever! I was dilated to a three (something I was afraid wouldn't happen without the use of pitocin after last times experience) and my cervix had thinned. She looked at me and said, "You'll be having a baby before Christmas. Would you like to help it along? I can stretch your membranes if you'd like and we can see if that helps you move along."
My answer was, "Of course yes! I cannot not wait to be done with this pregnancy. I'll try not to get too excited, I mean I haven't had a single contraction."
She looked at me as though I was crazy and said, "You're having a contraction right now. Can't you feel that?" She guided my hand to the hard lump that was my belly.
Feeling a little silly I confessed I thought it was just the baby moving. I had been so uncomfortable in the third trimester and she insisted on staying so low in the uterus that it was uncomfortable when she would move and I just assumed that was what I was feeling.
I left the appointment with my instructions to stay hydrated, get some rest and unless they hear from me before, they will see me at next weeks appointment. I sent a quick text to Andy who was working that said: Dilated to a 3 and they stretched my membranes! But they also said they will see me at next weeks appointment so we will see...
After hearing good news there was only one thing I wanted and that was food. I put the car into drive and headed towards home. I felt my stomach tighten and giggled a bit thinking to myself, "That's not just a baby moving!"
I pulled up to the Burger King drive-thru and ordered a burger. As I pulled around to the window to pick it up I had a contraction only this time I didn't giggle because it hurt! So much for eating. Taking my food, I drove to pick up Amelia from my in-laws. I was relieved to hear no nap was taken at Nanny's house because I was tired and hoping for a nap myself. I tucked Amelia into bed and climbed into my own and drifted off to sleep.
I woke to find it was getting dark outside and was surprised I hadn't heard Amelia up yet. I stirred around for a couple minutes before getting up to see what time it was and wake the toddler to ensure she would (hopefully) sleep at bed time. I stretched my toes to the ground and stood up and as I did I had a contraction. It was strong enough to feel but over as quickly as it started, but it was a real contraction- top to bottom. I was elated to feel that because my fear with this delivery was I would be in labor and not have full productive contractions like I experienced while in labor with Amelia.
After I realized we had slept until 5:30 I went to wake Amelia but was stopped in my tracks by another contraction as I reached my door. She wasn't kidding about stretching membranes jump-starting things. Amelia wasn't much of a sleeper so opening her door was enough to wake her up. I went to the kitchen and got my water bottle and decided to hydrate. Hydration is very important. I do not want an IV like last time. IV means to tub, no tub led to pain meds- that will not happen this time.
I found my phone and started responding to texts I received during my nap (everyone was anxious for this baby to come.) I may have responded to one when another contraction came. I called Andy. He was working a 2-10 shift and if I was going to have a baby he needed to know it was coming and get someone to cover his shift if need be. He told me to keep him updated and to tell his mom so she could come get Amelia so I wouldn't have to worry about her. I laughed at the idea. Who needs a baby sitter 30 minutes into labor? I needed to make her dinner. And then another contraction came. I filled a pan with water. Contraction. I put the water on to boil. Contraction. Noodles in. Contraction. Why are they coming so fast?! I must be dehydrated, on my feet too much. I give in and call the in-laws. I struggle to stand at the stove long enough to get noodles ready for Amelia to eat. I'm pacing back and forth across the room and bracing myself in doorways.
It wasn't long before they were there to get Amelia. It was a quick trade off with a "keep us updated." I can't blame them for not getting too excited, last time they followed us to the hospital and 12 hours and a hotel room stay later I had a baby.
I filled the bathtub and my water bottle and got ready to settle in and see if I could get my body to relax and the contractions to slow. I took the advice I didn't the first time around and didn't time them since they just started. After a little while I realized they weren't really slowing so I got out of the tub and called midwives to let them know I was in labor. I was told to keep my feet up and keep drinking water and call when they get closer. After bracing myself in the doorway for another contraction it was back to the tub with me. As I settled in I started sending a couple more texts but was interrupted by a phone call from my mom who was too anxious to have text message conversation. I talked to her for a bit and even though I was trying to get off the phone she kept talking and kept asking questions. Getting irritated, I told her I didn't know how frequently contractions were coming or how long they were lasting because I wasn't timing them. That was when she announced that they were about five minutes apart and lasting longer, she could tell by my pauses and talking. (Which was why she wouldn't let me off the phone.)
I got off the phone and started counting to see how long they were lasting.
One, two, three, four, five....
A glance at the phone.
One, two, three, four, five....
A second glance
One, two. three, four, five....
I call Andy.
"I'm really in labor, These contractions are coming faster and lasting longer I think you need to come home now."
"You just started having them. Drink some more water and stay in the bath."
Another call from my mom. Another announcement that my contractions were closer. Another call to Andy.
"I really need you to come home. They're getting stronger and you're an hour away and the hospital is an hour from here."
His response, "Call the midwife and see what she thinks."
After squatting through another contraction in the doorway I started rocking on the exercise ball as I call the midwife and wait for the return call. She was surprised at how fast I was progressing and that was when I brought to her attention the fact the other midwife had stretched my membranes at my appointment earlier today. She said it sounded like I was in labor and could come in when I was ready.
Back into the tub I went to call Andy and let him know what she said. That was when he confessed he wasn't sure he could find relief to leave because they were already short handed and he had been asked to stay an extra four hours. I couldn't believe he was telling me he couldn't leave. His thought was he had about an hour and a half left in his shift and if his parents took me to the hospital he could meet me there in the same amount of time it would take him to get here and take me and this way he would have someone to relieve him.
Since when is having a baby not a good reason to leave work early?!? I know that I had him stay home a whole day early last time but this is NOT the same as last time!
I sat in the tub counting through contractions. One... two.... three.... four.... five.... six..... seven.....
If there is no convincing him to come home to get me then I need him to call his parents. I don't want to talk to anyone right now.
I get out of the tub and start to dress to leave. One.... two.... three.... four.... five.... six.... seven..... eight......
It's okay. My father in law will drop me off and Andy will be there. It's okay.
Only it's not just my father-in-law, it's my mother-in-law and toddler too. With leftovers in the car. I don't know if the smell is bothering me or the fact I haven't eaten since breakfast, but whatever it is, it's too much.
Breathe, count, check clock, repeat.
Laboring in the car is bad, laboring in the car in front of people is worse. I might as well be sitting naked in front of them. I text the bff (the only one who will understand and appreciate) and tell her how terrible it is.
Breathe, count, check clock, check speedometer. Why are we going so slow?! Ten under the speed limit on a 45 mile drive?! Breathe... count.....
Oh my gawd if we don't go faster I'm going to have a baby on the highway.... With my in-laws delivering.... With my toddler watching.
Breathe, count.....count.....count..... oh they're getting closer.
I call Andy. You HAVE to leave now. We are going to be there and you haven't even left yet!
After what felt like an eternity we pull up to the hospital and I get to stand. Only standing doesn't bring relief, it brings on a contraction. I cannot not get inside fast enough.
The nurse met me at the front and I must have looked in labor because there was no formality of signing in at the counter. I was escorted to the elevator by her as she directed my in-laws to the elevator they were to use. On the ride up I'm telling the nurse that I wasn't sure I was going to make it to the hospital because my husband couldn't come home so my father-in-law drove me and did ten miles under the speed limit the whole way. I'm finishing the story as we stepped off the elevator. (Turns out the in-laws were doing the same and heard. Oops! I'm in labor, that's a free pass, right?)
Welcome to triage. Terrible lay on your back on a monitor triage.
Once monitors were strapped on they did a quick check and called the midwife. It was real, I was not making it up, I was not getting sent home, I was having a baby. And lucky for Andy he showed up at that moment. (If he hadn't we may not still be married today.)
I was headed to my labor delivery room (wearing a bra and one of those fancy gowns hospitals provide) and I was told they were filling that glorious tub for me to labor in. There were quite a few people scurrying about getting things set up. I don't care who they are or what they're doing, so long as they don't stop me from going pee. I clearly didn't empty my bladder when I came into triage. Door wide open, nurses trying to check things, I'm hovered over the toilet peeing. Andy, the brave soul that he is, is holding me up. I brace myself on him as we waddle outside the bathroom door. I'm ready to get in the tub but it isn't full and they need to draw blood. I'm guided to the bed where I carefully place myself on the pad laid out atop the white sheets and a baby-faced kid introduces himself and tells me he's going to draw blood. He very gently takes my arm and I immediately am up off the bed, swaying through a contraction.
"Sorry, I can't sit through them." I apologize returning to the bedside. "Gross! I'm bleeding everywhere. Sorry, that's gross." I settle back into position.
Again the baby-faced boy very gently takes my arm and begins propping it up with some pillows. He gets one under and I'm holding my breath, trying so hard not to leap off the bed as a contraction starts, but I'm powerless. Barreling off the bed I demand to know if this is really necessary (to which baby-faces responds it is because if I were to bleed out I couldn't have a transfusion without it-bedside manner, sir!), again I announce how gross it is to see the mess I am making as I sit on the crisp white bed, and settle down into place telling the boy he had to be fast if he's going to take my blood because I cannot be still.
I wasn't lying. I was back up off the bed before he approached me again, this time announcing how sorry I was the whole world was seeing my butt since the door was open and I could see the world.
I rested my head against Andy's chest and began rocking back and forth through a contraction. All I could think was I cannot catch my breath through these contractions and I cannot labor for hours feeling like this. I looked at Andy and said, "I don't care what I said I just want the pain medication. I can't do this. I can't breathe."
I turned to every face I saw and reiterated my statement. When no one responded to me I started asking, "Do you have to draw my blood for that? I'll try to sit still." No response. Where is my midwife? These people aren't listening to me.
Pacing the floor I squatted as a contraction came on and as I did I peed on the floor. "Gross, this is so gross. I'm sorry. I peed on the floor, don't step in it."
A nurse asked if I want to get in the tub. Yes! Only I can't get relief from contractions long enough to lift my leg over the edge to climb in.
Back to bracing myself against Andy's chest and rocking. That was when I realized that I was not just counting in my head as the contractions came, but I was belting out long exaggerated numbers through the durration of the contraction. Over and over again, in rhythm with the rocking, oooonnnneeeee, ttttwwwwwoooo, tttthhhrrrreeeee.....
My sweet husband wants to help me somehow so after the counting ceases he asks what he can do. I respond with such certainty, "Just be quite."
Rocking, counting, asking for pain meds, counting.... counting..... counting..... Hello midwife!
She is asking questions and wants to check me so up I go onto the bed. She pokes around and pauses for a contraction. As it passes she presses on my belly a bit and encourages me to turn to my side. As I do I feel the baby turn and there is even more pressure. My sisters text Andy asking if I want company and as he reads it aloud I answer "no." That is about the time Andy sends the in-laws off. I have to get out of this bed. This sucks and I'm in no mood to have an audience.
As I am standing at the foot of the bed rocking Andy is talking to the midwife. Nurses are standing around me so I again tell them I want paid meds. I can't keep doing this. As I'm talking a contraction come and as I'm squatting it is too intense and I find myself on my hands and knees on the floor.
"She's pushing!" I hear someone say.
"No I'm not." I assure.
"She's pushing, get her off the floor."
"I'm not pushing!"
I'm helped onto the bed. It's in an upright position so I climbed up onto my knees and bury my face into the pillows, bare butt sticking out of the gown that is more of a hindrance at this point. I rock back and forth and now that I am bed ridden, I begin to say, "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't even want a baby. I don't care."
The sweet nurses are clam and soft spoken, saying things like "you're doing great" and "you're strong, you can do this."
After a contraction I get so irritated with the gown that I remove it, again apologetic at my lack of modesty and how gross it all is. The midwife tells me if I feel like I want to push with the next contraction I can.
What?! Push? Five minutes into labor?? Okay so it's been longer than five minutes, but push?
Contraction comes and I push. As I'm pushing I feel something and I hear a woosh sound. I open my eyes, chin to chest, and see everyone at the foot of the bed jump back as my water breaks all over the floor.
"This is so gross! I'm sorry, I got it everywhere. Is it on you?" The nurse helps remove my wet sock and everyone resumes position.
Again I cry that it's too hard and I don't want to do it anymore. (I get quite dramatic when I'm in pain.)
I pushed again and I could feel my body progressing. Clutching Andy I begged him to breath louder so I could hear him and follow suit. It is so hard not to hold my breath as the contractions come.
Bearing down I push again, I open my eyes as I hear the midwife announce, "She has hair!" I look and see dark black hair. I'm so close but I'm told not to push. Oh the burning! An instant later I bear down again, this time I see a baby being handed up to me as she leaves my body.
I'm helped onto my side so I can hold this new life. In that instant it was all worth it and I begin to say, "I didn't mean it, I still wanted you. That was rough, huh?"
I lay with this sweet little person on me as they start to clean me up. I can tell she is bigger than Amelia was so I don't hesitate to hand her over to get weighed and measured, especially because I'm still bleeding and I have to deliver the placenta. That is nothing compared to the almost 8 pound baby I just delivered.
After the placenta was delivered there was more fuss as I was still bleeding but had stopped contracting. The midwife sprung into action and ordered blot clotting medicine and a pitocin drip. Seriously?! Pitocin AFTER I deliver?? Anxious just at the order and in pain from delivery I cannot relax enough to allow the midwife to insert the blood clotting meds. Although, I can't say that I think in any other circumstance I would find it easier to have someone shove 10 pills into my anus. After my orders to stop clinching because I'm popping them out I revert to my breathing techniques and try to relax. It doesn't get any easier as the pitocin drip starts and I have to make room on the side of the bed for the nurse to kneel to apply firm pressure to my stomach to encourage contractions. I start to cry, not a sobbing cry, but steady tears are falling down my face as I plead with her to stop. It is so painful I can hardly bear it. Only she can't. Until I contract and the uterus shrinks I am losing blood.
Andy leaves with another nurse and the baby to take her to get a bath and get checked out. Not exactly the birth plan of being with her until after the first feeding, but it becomes apparent that it was the best choice because moments later the midwife is up to her elbow in my uterus. She begins pulling large clumps of blood out of me, carefully placing them into clear plastic containers on the tray beside the bed. It hurts so bad and I find it less tolerable as the endorphins are fading and exhaustion is setting in. Once the pitocin is working full force I am able to contract on my own and not have people assisting.
The room is quite now, the midwife is cleaning herself up and charting and it's me and the delivery nurse. She pulls the plug on the tub and I start to laugh as I recount last times delivery and tell her about how badly I wanted to labor in that tub. Afraid she is upsetting me she offers to wait to drain it until I leave. I tell her to let it drain, that it's actually soothing. Further proof that I have no control over some things, but I still have the ability to deliver a healthy baby. We make small talk as she starts to clean me up. She mentions my remaining sock which was now covered in blood (the other in amniotic fluid after my water broke) and I tell her to throw them away, thinking to myself it was silly to insist on wearing one of my favorite pairs of socks to the hospital.
Coming back from disposing of the socks she begins to laugh, "I wish we had a camera rolling or at least some audio. You had the quickest turn around I've ever heard. 'I don't even want a baby anymore, I quit.' and two seconds later, 'I didn't mean it I want you.' You were pretty funny."
She and I became best friends in that moment as I told her how different I was during labor/delivery this time than last. We joked that I was going to have to be nice to poor Andy, whom I continually shushed and told not to touch me every time he attempted to soothe me.
A quick trip to the bathroom and a fresh sheet on the bed and I was settled back in with my sweet baby in my arms. She was a good nurser right away and as we laid together all I wanted to do was sleep. A glance at the clock it was no wonder, it was roughly 4am. We finally were moved to a room where we could sleep and I made Andy send out a few delayed texts to announce she was here:
Marinn Lee was born December 19, 2011 at 11:35pm.
7 pounds 15.5 ounces 20 inches
It was a much shorter labor than I had anticipated, 6 hours total. I thought we would be at the hospital for some time (which is why I was begging for pain meds!) but we were there under two hours before we were holding a baby. Andy arrived at 10:30 and the midwife at 11 and Marinn made her appearance at 11:35, they both could have missed it as fast as she came!
We didn't follow our birth plan on everything, but I still was very pleased with how the labor and delivery went. After the 36 hour labor with Amelia and the issues we encountered I was so proud of my body for working so well and doing such amazing things like creating and birthing a human being.
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